I found myself noticing lately just how frequently God is trying to whisper to me. Whether his whisper is full of direction or just the reassurance that I am known and loved right where I am at, his whisper is so powerful. So frequently I disregard that whisper and expect a big direction on how to move forward. Yet, frequently that is not the case. But why I was hearing so many whispers I questioned. That’s when the line of a song I heard a long time ago came back to me “I hear you whisper because your close” (Close By Tauren Wells).
That was a major light bulb moment for me. I want to be close to my father. Even in my crazy day to day life. I want to hear his whisper and have him close to me, but I have to remember to pivot and include him in each moment.
About a month and a half ago, I had the incredible opportunity to go up to Winter Camp with the church we have been going to here in Boise. I had lots of hesitations about going since the last time I had been to a camp, it wasn’t a great experience and I had been determined not to go back to another one. As he usually does, God had other plans. I got up there and already was feeling the ugh of being at a camp, but I was also desperate for God to move in my life and to feel him. Let me tell you, taking a big step of faith like deciding to go on a missions trip for 9 months has not been easy. I have faced multiple people coming to me and sharing deep concern and disrespect for my decision to do so. I have felt spiritual warfare in my mind and with the people around me heavier and more intense than ever before. I have spent days and weeks questioning my faith and if I am making the wrong decision. Although, ultimately, all of these things have taken me deeper in my faith than ever before. That being said, walking into this camp, I was in need of a retreat from life to spend time with my father. I didn’t realize how much I was feeling alone.
The first night of camp rolls around and following dinner we all head to the chapel for worship and a message. I sing the songs, still trying to fight all the things on my mind to allow me to focus on the here and now. We sit down and I pull out my bible for the message. Our speaker starts talking and it feels as if she knows all the details to my life and is talking directly to my heart. The analogies she was making the struggles with anxiety, carrying a deep sadness had been exactly where I was and what I had walked through the doors of that chapel with that night. I felt a sense of being seen and understood fill me and as she wrapped up the message she asked any of us dealing with those things to come forward. I struggled for a moment in my chair, knowing I needed to go forward, but held back by fear. What if they judge me? What if others judge me? Eventually, I followed that nudge and made my way to the front. I kneeled down and started sobbing as the weight of the world that had been on my shoulders just shattered and I once again felt the comfort of God there with me. I had been trying so hard to keep it together, to figure it out on my own, but I couldn’t. As the speaker made her way around to pray over each of us, she touched me on the shoulder and I lifted my eyes to meet hers.
With watery eyes I met her face and she looked at me with such tenderness and said ” I really just feel like you need to hear this right now, but God has not forgotten about you”
Instantly, I went into defense mood and was getting ready to tell her that message was not for me and then I broke. It hit me. I had been telling myself I had to figure it out and keep it together. As I had looked at my funding for my trip that month I had kept doubting God to provide. That he had called me to go on this journey. That maybe I was making the wrong decision. But in the moment she shared that with me, he was close. Holding me, like he had been the whole time and I just couldn’t see it. I was so blinded by the fog of my pride, my need to control life and to muscle through that I couldn’t feel him and I couldn’t hear his voice anymore.
So as I came down from that mountain I have continued to remind myself that I am not forgotten. Just like God has not forgotten about you. You may not know where he is calling you to be just yet, but it is a step by step process. Trust me, it is really frustrating to do it that way at times. I know I always just want to see some of the bigger puzzle, but I was reminded this morning by my mentor that seeing some of the puzzle beforehand is not faith. So whatever you are facing, I challenge you to remember that he whispers when he is close and to allow him to be close to you and carry some of the weight of the burden of life.
General Updates and Prayer Requests for my trip:
1) I just got a new job! I am in the process of finishing my two weeks at my current one and making the transition to the new job! I am super excited about this new opportunity. I was not really looking for a job, but knew I needed to change some things financially and this opportunity fell into my lap, so that is a huge praise! Prayers for a smooth transition would be appreciated!
2)I got to go back to school full-time with everyone this week! All year so far we have been online or half online and half in-person, but being back in the classroom with everyone has been amazing! I am already learning so much better than before and am so filled up from being able to connect with people again!
3) I am about 36% fund raised! This is a huge praise! God has shown up in some crazy ways to provide for this trip and the support for you guys has been incredible! Thank you so much!
4) Prayer requests:
-For continued support in prayer and finances for me and my team
-For preparation of my heart for this trip and for being away from everything I have ever known.
-For fundraising opportunities and the ability to share the gospel with those around me
-For smooth transition of jobs
As always feel free to reach out if you need anything! I would love to pray for you!! My phone is always open for a call or text (208-866-2309).
